Boldly running where I've never gone before

So, I’m sitting on the sofa today with a cup of hot tea and a box of Kleenex when it occurs to me how eerily similar this scene is to another in recent memory.  It was 1997 and I had been studying for the med school admission test for months on end while attending college full time and working night shifts at a law firm.  A good score on that test was one key to the door of my future, and I devoted myself to my studies with a dedication befitting its gravity.  Whether reading on the El train, walking the floors at home with flash cards late into the night, or poring over books kept on the toilet tank, I studied like it was my religion.  About a week before the exam, I came down with a snotslinger of a cold like I’d never had before.  I remember showing up at the testing center feeling frail and depleted, toting my bag of Hall’s drops and box of tissues with a heart full of hope and a prayer on my lips.  Hacking and wheezing my way through the 6 hour exam, I figured it was both rotten luck and  a coincidence as rare as a lightning strike.

Yet here I am again.  After pounding the pavement month after month preparing for the Berlin marathon, I am sidelined at the eleventh hour with another ridiculous rhinovirus.  I needed to be running this past week instead of wondering why I was tired and all my bones hurt.  I would have loved sprinting along through this delightfully cool weather instead of shooting free throws at a wastebasket with crumpled up Kleenex.  And I would so much rather be writing about how race ready I feel at this moment instead of yet another angsty post rife with real or perceived inadequacies.   But we are where we are and there’s no escaping reality.

So this is how I’m going to handle it.

Unlike the last time I found myself in this situation, my future does not hinge on what will take place over the next few days or miles.  Nothing significant will happen if my running sucks.  In fact, no one will even care.  I haven’t constructed dreams and aspirations around a certain outcome and nobody is depending upon my success.  Self-image could take a temporary dive, but it wouldn’t be the first time I was less than thrilled with myself.  I’ll get over it.  And considering the fact that I got talked into doing the marathon in the first place, it is beyond illogical to give the end result undue importance.  Therefore I am going to quit worrying about it and let the chips fall where they may.

This may very well be the first time I’ve talked sense to myself in about 6 months.  Fascinating.

I will always remember the summer of 2011 — a season gobbled up by marathon training like the Crystalline Entity chewed up planets then left their essence trailing behind in clouds of electromagnetic flatulence.  

The Berlin Marathon will take place in 2 weeks and I will be there, ready or not.  At this point on any training plan it is time to taper, and taper I must — even though I never reached the magic number 20 miles for my farthest run.  The 18-miler done on Labor Day will have to suffice as my longest outing before the event.

I’ve never run a race I felt prepared for.  I’ve always worried about being last, fattest, slowest or oldest.  This season’s emotions have run the gamut from excitement to dread, confidence to despair, and anticipation to apathy before settling in to the current theme:  simple readiness.  This is not readiness like an elite athlete who calmly strides to the start line and prepares to break records.  I’m just ready to be done with this shit and get it behind me.

Training since the last post on August 28th (the day of the 16 miler):

August 29 – off
August 30 – yoga
August 31 –  3 mile easy run
September 1 – awesome 5 mile tempo run
September 2 – session with personal trainer
September 3 – 5 miler on a day that I’d planned to do 7, but it got too hot too soon
September 4 –  off
September 5 – 18 miler on a beautiful cool Labor Day morning (and it took ALL morning to do it)
September 6 –  intense lower body stretching routine followed by some half-hearted corework
September 7 – 4 fast miles, the first three with negative splits  —-  booya!
September 8 – session with personal trainer
September  9 – 5 easy miles
September 10 – off, unless you count some 12 ounce curls at a picnic
September 11 – off  (maybe should have done 20 on this day but my back hurt and I was tired so I did the smart thing and rested)
September 12 – yoga

What remains now in the last two weeks of training is to continue running enough to maintain the level of endurance earned thus far without being injured and then rest a couple more days before the race.   I’ve gone as far as I can go and all that’s left is to show up on Marathon morning and get it done—whatever “it” will be.   I can’t predict how it’s all going to unfold but I do know this much:  Like the Crystalline Entity, I’ll be out there for 42 kilometers chugging along,  gobbling up miles and farting stardust.

“Encounter at Farpoint” was the pilot episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Farpoint Station was thought to be an outpost constucted on the planet Deneb IV by a race called the Bandi.  Instead it turned out to be an entity which they had enslaved and disguised as a starbase.  It occurred to me during my 16 MILE LONG RUN yesterday that this marathon quest is similar to the Farpoint Mission.

First the name:  quite obviously the farthest point to which I will ever have raced.  And then the more subtle facet:  this race as not just a destination or an event but an entity, one that has seemingly swallowed my summer.  And the last bit — just like the Star Trek episode was the first for a new generation of characters on the Enterprise — I will also join a new crew:  the 0.15% of Americans who have run a marathon.  But honestly, I will still be so glad when it’s over!

I have never run 16 miles before.  Having walked it a couple of times when training for the Avon 2-day walk back in 2008, I had no doubt I would get it done but I had no idea what it would feel like.  My “running” which is actually run/walk intervals, even as wimpy is it may seem to those who regularly bust out 7:00-8:00 minute miles, is still more strenuous than a walk.  It challenged me and there were times (at 5 miles and at 8 miles) that I thought, “oh screw this…..what the hell am I doing this for?” and wanted to quit.  But I didn’t.  There were moments in that last mile that I was really tired and starting to get achy and counting the steps until I was done.  But I managed to keep going.  Thinking that I still have to find a way to make it 10 EXTRA MILES beyond that 16 is just a bit daunting at the moment, but I know I’ll get there.  So I’m glad the weather and I could finally mesh our schedules to make that run possible.  It was a character-builder and a confidence-booster.  And I’m only a teeny bit sore today.  Nice.

T minus 4 weeks and counting to the Berlin Marathon.   Next goal:  a 20-miler.

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Training in the last week:

August 21:  5 miles
August 22:  off
August 23:  8.8 miles (would have been more but interrupted by a thunderstorm)
August 24:  Yoga
August 25:  3 miles
August 26:  personal training session
August 27:  off

On the training table:  less junk than usual but still not stellar

… I have jumped back into marathon training with both feet and am scrambling to make up for lost ground (how’s that for a bunch of puns?) because the Berlin marathon will take place 5 weeks from today.

The heat wave which rendered outdoor activity about as much fun as a barefoot tango on a comet’s tail has gone, hopefully for good, and I have been training again for the past week and a half.  I took a full seven days off at the last of July and first week of August,  then did indoor cross-training for a couple more days before venturing back to the pavement on August 10th.

I was supposed to have peaked at 16 miles for my longest run by the end of July but did not do so and therefore have retooled the training program to make up for lost time.  Having crammed for tests all through college and med school, I am no stranger to the concept but physical endurance does not lend itself to the same compressibility as mere data.  Of course, it wouldn’t be me if there wasn’t some crazy challenge, so off I go.

On August 10, I did 4 miles of run/walk intervals and was not impressed with my performance, having walked quite a bit of the distance.

On August 11, instead of cross-training, I decided to run again (a rare event for me and my 55-year old knees) and ended up with a nice 6 mile outing.  It was interesting when at mid-run approximately 3 miles from home I felt the….umm…..call of nature quite insistently and had nowhere to go.  I considered some bushes but it seemed to be landscapers day everywhere I turned.  I found a bank but it wasn’t open yet.  I was about to ring a stranger’s doorbell when I spotted a small building I hadn’t seen before and approached it.  A dialysis center.  Great!  And it had a ladies room.  They saved an extra pair of kidneys that day for sure.

On August 12, I had a session with the personal trainer:  more strength/balance/core and a challenge to run a 1/2 marathon over the weekend.  I had signed up for Rock-n-Roll Chicago on 8/14/2011 but didn’t feel like making the 100-mile round trip drive into the City.  So in order to skip the event with no guilt, I was to run my own 13.1 miler instead.

On Saturday, August 13, I ran and walked 13.2 miles around the neighborhood (and some on my treadmill).  It was a good test of how well I’d built a training base.  It was tough to finish, having not gone that distance since June 25 in Seattle, but I felt great within an hour afterward and that gave me confidence.

Sunday, August 14, I got ambitious and planned a two-hour bicycle ride.  I got a late start and was only able to complete 1:45 before leaving to go to the movies.  I got 18.9 miles done.

Monday, August 15, I ran 5 miles.

Tuesday, August 16, I WAS SO EXHAUSTED I didn’t do anything athletic at all!  Well, there were those 16-ounce curls at the Plainfield Tap House….

Wednesday, August 17, I ran 3 miles.

Thursday, August 18, another session with the trainer.

Friday, August 19, I ran 3 miles again.

Saturday, August 20, a bit of lifestyle exercise was on the agenda:  tilling and weeding in the garden.

Sunday, August 21, 5 miles of run/walking.

The plan for the upcoming week includes the 16 mile long-run which is at least 3 weeks late, a couple of shorter runs, and a bike tour in Chicago with a cycling group.

The plan for the rest of the month:  build miles, stay healthy, avoid burnout and cram, cram, cram.

In the 22nd Century—long before the days of Captains Kirk or Picard—when the Enterprise was under the command of Jonathan Archer, the first shore leave was suggested by First Officer T’Pol, a Vulcan, when she noted a 3% drop in efficiency among the mostly human crew.  Taking a lesson from T’Pol (and a suggestion from my trainer), I have decided to do the same.

I love running.  It makes me feel like the primate that I am, connecting my body with nature and my inner beast as it frees my soul to blend with the ether of the cosmos.  And ever since my first 5k when I got a prize for placing in my age group, it has given me something to strive for.  Whether to go longer, faster or through a path strewn with obstacles, the current goal always gives me a way to make myself better at something.  In other words, it gives me hope and a sense of future—something an aging human often loses but nonetheless desperately needs to avoid slipping into the backward-looking malaise of old age.

Of course, it wouldn’t be ME if I didn’t find some way to turn joy into duty and pleasure into stress which is what I’ve been doing lately as the insane weather of the past two weeks has caused me to fall behind on my training schedule.  After a recent outburst of why-do-I-hate-my-life frustration, my husband noted, “Your business is doing fine and the only thing you’re probably stressed out about is running.  I think after this marathon, you need to take a break.  I mean, when are you going to do some NORMAL running again?”  That’s when a light bulb went off:  “Normal running?  Wha?  Oh, yeah.  Normal running.”  That’s what the problem is.  I’ve lost the fun of running by infusing it with the bitter tincture of work.  After consulting my trainer we both concluded that, since training feels like a job right now fraught with deadlines and pressure and angst, it’s time to chill out for a couple of days.  Live like a normal person.  Then get back to it.

There are roughly 8 weeks between now and the Berlin Marathon.  What’s a few days difference going to make if it means regaining my joy?  So what if I don’t get as far as a 20 mile long run before the race?  So what if I even have to walk much of the 26.2?  So what if I’m miserable that day?  I’m not a quitter.  I’m still going to do it.  I’m going to finish the marathon, get that big honkin’ medal, and join the group of crazy people constituting less than 1% of the population.  I will be a marathoner and nobody will ever be able to take that away from me.  It’s probably going to suck at some point during the race no matter how much training I do.  So why be miserable today?   Take a break. Refresh body-mind-and-soul, and then get back to the training.  Seriously…..even Jean Luc Picard took a vacation now and then.

Training completed in the past two weeks:

Running:  7 mile was the max in distance, a couple of 3 milers and a walk or two
Biking:  a 15 miler and 20 mile ride
Strength/balance/core:  twice-weekly sessions with the trainer
Flexibility:  not enough

Eating:  controlled chaos

I am located on Terra, third planet from the sun in a system on the inner edge of the Orion-Cygnus Arm of the Milky Way galaxy approximately 27,000 light years from the galaxy’s center, where I am presently engaged in training for the Berlin marathon.

The events of the past few days are as follows:

Tuesday, July 12

The weather did not choose to cooperate with my plans for double digit miles.  It was hot and sunny from at least 7am onward.  I figured I would do the best I could for as long as I could and see what happened.  I got outside at 6:30 in the morning and knew in rather short order that I wasn’t going to make it for the long haul.  The sun was set to “high broil” and seemed focused squarely on my head.  Sweat was rolling down every possible crevice after the first mile, and I was about to start in on my litany of gripes about summer running.  “This is why I don’t run in the summer!” I said to myself.  Then I realized:  wait….it’s mid-July and I AM running.  In fact, I’ve been running fairly consistently this entire year — all of winter, spring AND summer.  So I guess then as of 2011, I do run in the summer.  Maybe not long and maybe not well (yet) but I DO run in the summer!  And that’s cool.

Therefore, no matter how bad the weather is or how short the distance must be, I have decided to be damn proud of the fact that a summer has come and has NOT found me sitting on the couch.  I may not be running as long or as well as I’d like, but I AM running in the summer!  Not bad for an old broad…

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Wednesday, July 13

Yesterday after my short (3.22 mile) run, I came home and had breakfast.  I wanted to get in at least 2 hours of training so I decided to let the food settle, then go downstairs and do some step aerobics.  There may not be much forward motion but step is a great workout for quads, hams and glutes.  I did a 45 minute session total which was effective enough that I felt it today, and I liked that.  I love the feel of DOMS in the morning!

Today’s a.m. weather was cool, grey and windy — almost autumnlike.  I got on the bicycle around 7:00 and pedaled at a brisk pace for an hour around the neighborhood.  There are some decent hills (for Illinois anyway) and so I managed to work up a bit of a sweat, especially when riding into the wind.  I was tired and had to talk myself through the last half of the ride, but I pushed on by repeating “five more minutes” and then five more after that until the hour had elapsed.

The bike is suggested by many coaches as a good cross-training exercise for runners.  It does work many of the same muscles in a non-impact fashion, but I believe my workout vids bring me to a greater state of cardiovascular fitness.  There’s something about doing step or plyometrics while lifting light weights or reaching overhead (the way so many of the FIRM, Cathe Friedrich or Gilad workouts direct) that helps me get stronger.  And climbing the 14-inch box on those old FIRM workouts cannot be denied as a stamina-builder.

Thurday’s forecast promised a perfect chance to try for big miles in the morning.  I set the clock for 4:45 a.m. and hoped to have a good two hours to run before heading back home to prepare for the workday.  I always need an hour to get completely awake, so I planned to run from 6 to 8ish.  It’s a great idea to geta minimum of eight hours sleep the night before but getting to bed early is never easy for me!

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Thursday, July 14 — Bastille Day

On this day in 1789, Parisians stormed the Bastille seeking to gain ammunition and gunpowder for the Revolution.  222 years later, I stormed the subdivisions and blasted the crap out of my recent inability to rack up some distance.

The weather was great, I actually got out of bed at 5:00 and was out of the house by 6:15.  I did ten miles of run/walk intervals and it was AWESOME!  I even had energy for a full day’s work at the office afterward.  Love it, love it, love it!

Right now, not even a trip to outer space could be better than this.

Risa, the pleasure planet, is a class M Federation planet about 90 light years from earth within a binary star system, which means it has two suns.  Before terra forming made it the hedonistic vacation retreat of Starfleet officers as well as other species, it was said to be quite a  miserable place.  I simply cannot imagine what it would be like to train for a marathon with not one but TWO suns beating down on your sweaty little head.

Since returning from Seattle two weeks ago, advancing the requisite mileage has been an interesting task.  Being relatively slow to begin with, my “long slow distance” runs always last at least two and as much as four hours.  Out here in the land of new subdivisions with young trees yielding very little shade, this means either getting out super early or preparing to skitter across the pavement like water on a hot skillet.

After resting a few days at the end of June, I got back to work with a handful of short runs, one completely awesome and excellent speed session, a few bike rides of gradually increasing length, and the usual strength/balance/core hours with the personal trainer.  Last weekend, I also put feet to pavement early enough for a relatively comfortable 9-miler on Sunday morning before enjoying a sumptuous family brunch that promptly replaced every spent calorie.

After a similar week, the plan was to run 12 miles this weekend.  Ummm…..I haven’t quite managed that yet.  My body requested the day off yesterday and having learned the need to heed these messages, I took things easy.  After a decent night’s rest, I headed outdoors this morning at about 6:45 and got six miles done before the bombardment of sun and humidity brought the session to a close.  In looking ahead on weather.com, it appears that Tuesday—my usual day off work—may be my next best chance to score double digit mileage.   My goal is to do at least one 16-17 miler before month’s end.  I have my eye on the weekend of the 23rd for that attempt, with next Saturday or Sunday being hopefully a 15-mile outing—weather permitting, of course.

Otherwise, life has been moving in a  positive direction and I feel fairly content.  My native restlessness, a state which had previously served to propel me forward before recently morphing into bitter self-defeating discontent, is settling back into its usual demeanor.  Hence, I am able to regard myself with the same courtesy I would bequeath a fellow passenger on a city bus.   The homefront is in its typical state of tranquil monotony, and a stressful issue on the job quite surprisingly resolved itself.  I’m still eating too much and not stretching enough but I’ve begun peace talks with myself in an effort to table the issue of perfection and construct a workable plan for progress.

I came across this great book called “The Mental Athlete” by Kay Porter.  It addresses the notion of attitude and mental imagery as a training issue.  I need to read more of it before I’ll have enough to say in this journal, but thus far it seems very promising.  I have believed for a long time that the bulk of our “problems” are either created or amplified in our own minds, and my own is no exception.  Taming the beast within the brain may be a formidable task but the rewards will likely be immense.  And it can’t be too much harder than marathon training in July under the beating suns of binary stars.

When Captain Kirk was a mere Starfleet cadet, the Kobayashi Maru drill was a test in coping with a no-win situation.  In the scenario of the 2280s, a distress signal comes in stating that the Kobayashi Maru has struck a “gravitic mine” in the Neutral Zone and is rapidly losing power, hull integrity and life support. There are no other vessels nearby. The cadet is faced with a decision:

• Attempt to rescue the  crew and passengers, which involves violating the Neutral Zone and potentially provoking the Klingons into hostile action or an all-out war; or
• Abandon them, potentially preventing war but leaving the crew and passengers to die.

I slogged through the following week, doing much less than I should have, and confronted the next big test yesterday: the Rock & Roll Seattle 1/2 Marathon.  Undertrained, overweight and with a body depleted by 3 days of intestinal flu, I hauled my tired old carcass to the start line and did the race.  Yes, I walked most of it.  Yes, I was slower than I’ve ever been.  Yes, it was a great lesson in humility as well as a testament to determination I wasn’t sure I had.  But it was not a Kobayashi Maru because I feel like I emerged a winner regardless of all else.